Just three little words

I love you.

Three words that I myself have said over and over to many people in my life including significant others, friends, family, etc. I have spent some time now waiting for one person in particular to say those three words to me. He had dabbled in it briefly and then decided for whatever reason to discontinue that practice. This was, at first, troubling but then I began to understand that just because he didn't say didn't mean that he didn't feel it. Furthermore, my need to have him say it ebbed as well. I no longer was dependent on hearing him say the words. It's not that I didn't want him to, it's just that I began to realize that our relationship wasn't defined by the lack of three monosyllabic words. It became defined by the endless ways that he and I, that we began to care for each other. I soon found that my need for those words was replaced by the desire for him. At his best, at his worst, and at everything in between. I settled comfortably in this new space and readied myself to curl up in the delight that I felt for him.


And now, months from when this all began, I find myself at this comfortable place, secure in my feelings for him and in his for me and then he drops it on me. About a week ago, we were having our nightly discussion and were wrapping things up for the night and in the middle of it he says, like he's been saying it this whole time, "I love you." Excuse me? At first, I thought that I hadn't heard him correctly but I realized that was exactly what he had said. So after what felt like an eternity but was actually a fraction of a second, I replied with the most honest thing I have ever said: "And I love you." It's true. I did and I do.

I figured that this was a random burst of emotion from a normally taciturn man. I appreciated it for what it was and tried not to think about it too much after that. The next day we talked and sure enough, three words were absent. Ok. No problem. One time deal and that's all. Sure.

Well, the next day comes and there it is again!

"I love you"

Huh?

The last time I did this it was only after a lengthy discussion. Isn't some kind of talk expected? Are we just saying "I love you" all willy nilly now?

We've reached a pattern of him saying it every other time we talk. I wonder if on the occasions when he doesn't say it, it's because he's waiting for me to say it. However, I don't because...well because I'm scared that if I start saying it that he'll stop. And I don't want him to ever stop saying it. I love everything about it. And I want to say it. I want to scream it. I LOVE YOU!! I want to say it first so that he knows that I love him without him having to love me first. That I don't need him to say it first, that I just need him to be ok with hearing it from me and with...

Oh fuck this. My thoughts on this subject are too mixed up and convoluted. I can't think straight. I'm all undone because I've finally gotten exactly what I wanted. It's been so long since I got exactly what I wanted that I don't even know what to do with myself. I'm dazed here. Q is of the persuasion that it's my time now. Maybe she's right. Maybe I'm on the upswing, no?

What the fuck is this entry about?