ATTACK OF THE 50 FOOT BABY!!

mental meandering

So yes, I watch the show Cathouse on HBO about a brothel in Las Vegas. I think it's in Vegas. At any rate, on every episode Dennis, the owner, mentions at least 5 times that he can sleep with any of the women he employs and that he does...often. Then they'll inevitably cut to a shot of him rubbing up on the girls. I can't help but think "Way to go, guy! You can get hookers to have sex with you!!"

ouch.

i fell down the staircase this moring right after I woke up.

I hurt my hand.

I had just woken up from a night of bad dreams.

I still laughed my ass off, though.

I may be the only person whose day can be improved by taking a tumble down a set of stairs.

BLECH!!!!!!!

On my way home from an errand this morning, I pulled up to a stop light to see what can only be described as the grossest thing I have ever seen with my own two eyes.

The "gentleman" in the car next to me was holding what appeared to be a rag of some sort in his mouth. He then took the rag out of his mouth, wiped his nose with it and shoved the entire thing back into his mouth.

I think I may have lost my appetite...forever.

I'm not asking for opinions, please don't give them

Yes, I have a schoolgirl crush on Alton Brown of Good Eats. But what's not to love?

I'm not saying, I'm just saying.

7

Seven things I plan to do before I die:
-learn a third language
-see the aurora borealis
-learn to dance the tango
-buy a home and a car by myself
-have my own theatre
-live in a big city, at least for a year
-skydive

Seven things I can do:
-thread a needle
-wiggle my ears
-roll my r's
-cook
-ride a horse
-knit a scarf
-jump off a 60 ft cliff and live to tell the tale

Seven things I can't do:
-Check my oil
-play piano
-make a dress
-tap dance
-ride a motorcycle
-build a bookshelf
-have a one night stand

Seven things I don't like to do:
-talk to strangers
-take out the garbage
-fold laundry
-go to the dentist
-tell people that they hurt my feelings
-run
-lie to people

Seven things that attract me to someone:
-lips
-sense of humor
-ability to buy their own beer
-a sense of adventure
-ability to laugh at themselves
-soft skin
-a huge cock

Seven things I say all the time:
-"Shut up!"
-"Do you know what I mean?"
-"F that"
-"I'm hungry"
-"What are you doing?!"
-"I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants/threw up."
-"Whatever"

Seven things that scare me:
-the dark
-moldy food
-being a bad mother
-breaking my fingers, nose, or toes
-gaining weight
-being in a plane and having it flip over right as it takes off
-losing someone I love

I stole this idea from BOB and created some new categories of my own. Thanks BOB! Alright folks, ya know the drill: I'll show you mine if you show me yours.

something a little off

Something's a little off. Not wrong, just...off. I don't know what it's about. I'm pretty sure Bear doesn't know what it's about. But it's there nonetheless, just sort of lurking in the background, waiting for one of us to make a big deal out of it so that it can spread it's sickness.

This is troubling only because I don't know where it came from and because I really, really thought we were past this. I thought we'd done this whole routine and opted for a different one. Now it's completely possible that I'm imagining all of this and that Bear's sitting in his room, happy as clams. But I don't think so. I think he feels that something is off as well. Not bad, I reiterate, just off. There's like a...a discomfort that hasn't been there in quite some time. Man! I don't want this. I do not want this. We're better than this. Bear and I have been a strong and united front. We've been rad. We've been that couple you wanna be.

Ok, I'm fully aware that I am now overreacting. There's still a very small part of me that freaks a bit when the water ripples. Maybe he's just bored and a little grumpy and maybe I'm bored and a little grumpy. We'll see...

Silence is a text easy to misread.
-A. A. Attanasio

Tell me something about your next project

There is a, I believe, Japanese show called Banzai! It is your typical Japanese show with typical Japanese humor which of course involves nudity and pain. However, they have a segment called "Lady One-Question."

Lady One-Question is so simple in its brilliance, its astounding. Here's the deal: Lady One-Question goes to red carpet events and attempts to interview celebrities. The hilarity however lies in the fact that she will ask one question and that's IT! She asks no more questions, says nothing else. Her expression and posture don't even move. The moment the question comes out of her mouth, she freezes. She just stands there holding her microphone.

Now you might be saying to yourself "Why is that funny? It doesn't sound that funny." Well here's the thing folks. People will continue to talk as long as you look like you expect them to keep talking and celebrities take this to the Nth degree. Since Lady One-Question just continues to stare at her prey they believe she hasn't yet gotten the answer she's looking for so they just keep talking. Eventually, they get really uncomfortable and sort of slink off, glancing back at the little frozen Asian woman as if they expect her to ask something else. Samuel L. Jackson actually looked at her and kind of giggled before walking away. There's even a little clock at the bottom of the screen to let you at home know how long this celebrity has been babbling. Oh, it's so funny! It's beautiful!!

I don't necessarily like seeing people humilated but there is nothing wrong with a little discomfort. These movie stars and musicians look so lost! And there's no graceful way out of that situation. Your options are to either keep talking and try to expand on the topic even more than you already have or to leave but, of course, you don't want to seem rude. I love it!

on a slightly related topic The Mexican had this bit that I used to make him do a lot. He would walk up to someone with arms out to greet that person with a hug. When he got within striking distance he would start to swoop in for a kiss on the mouth. He did it to anyone that happened upon him, male or female and time and time again it was the funniest thing ever. When someone moves in for a kiss and you don't want it much less expect it, fantastic things happen. Most people would just try to kind of wiggle away. Some folks would just continue to bend backwards away from him until they were bent in half. I believe someone may have slapped him. I think one guy actually kissed him back.

I'm laughing right now just thinking about it!

bedtime musings

It's always a good time for a list of things that makes me happy:

1. Project Runway, The Gauntlet, Laguna Beach, and America's Next Top Model. Such horrible TV but oh so delicious!

2. Cream Cheese Danish. Those things are the effing bomb, yo! Mmmm...

3. Good books. A Million Little Pieces, Memoirs of a Geisha, etc. I've been having a fairly lucky run of good books lately.

4. Disney World in 21 days.

5. Bear in 18.

6. A lovely little house to be filled with lovely little things.

7. Making Huck laugh so hard that she ceases to make any noise at all.

8. Breakfast burritos, dim sum and the like with my brothers in about a week.

9. Christmas Decorations and channeling my inner Martha Stewart.

10. Knowing that the friends I have are a loyal bunch and the best anyone could ask for.

11. Learning how to knit. I feel like I'm accomplishing something!!

12. Learning to bake. Baking is much more difficult than it may appear and I'm starting to get a much better grasp on that slippery sucker. YEAH!

13. Phone calls from Bear when he's either bored or just woken up. Very awesome.

14. Pat Benatar's "Love is a Battlefield"

On a side note, there's a commercial for that movie "Wolf Creek" and it looks spooky as get out. Very Texas Chainsaw Massacre in the Australian outback. The idea of being on a road trip and getting lost around a bunch of homicidal maniacs? WAH!!

three Hail Mary's and an Our Father

You know that feeling you have when you think about something really stupid that you've done? It's that burning in your stomach, that feeling or shame and embarassment and something else...almost like guilt, maybe? That feeling, that yucky, icky, no good feeling. I've been overcome with that feeling lately. I think about things like work or conversations that I had with people and that feeling comes flooding over me. But here's the thing: I don't think that I really have any reason to feel that way. The situations that I'm remembering are ones that didn't really call for feeing that way when they happened so why am I feeling that in retrospect? Maybe my catholic upbringing i rearing its ugly head after all these years and has decided to give me a heaping serving of guilt and shame. Whatever it is, I don't like it.

No one like feeling like that.

Bad Habits

I have the bad habit of expecting that people will treat me the way that I treat them. I have the bad habit of believing that because I have boundaries that I would never cross concerning certain things that other people will respect those boundaries in terms of me. I have the bad habit of believing that people will honor the things I ask of them. I hold certain people in certain esteems and when those people prove to be human, I have the bad habit of being hurt and disappointed. I believe that people will think not only of themselves but will take my feelings and my thoughts and my life into consideration when they do things that they know full well will affect me. I have a bad habit of believing that people can truly learn from their mistakes and that forgiving someone for past indiscretions can help them to see the light for the future. I have the bad habit of forgetting that boys will be boys. I have the bad habit of believing that people don't take me for granted. I have the bad habit of thinking that at some point, someone will put my feelings and my needs above theirs. I have the bad habit of believing that saying "Please don't do this" should be enough. I have the bad habit of thinking that people who have hurt me once will do their best to not hurt me again in the exact same manner. I have the bad habit of believing people when they say that they are sorry. I have a bad habit of believing that I mean as much to people as they mean to me. I have the bad habit of not telling people to take a flying fuck when they hurt me the first time. I have a bad habit of taking things too personally.


Alright. I'm done. I had to wallow briefly and now it's finished. I refuse to be long suffering about this one.

it's the little things

Recovering from a whirlwind trip to visit K. Being with her is like going on a week long bender. I always end up dazed and wondering what I just spent the past few days doing but knowing that it was a helluva time. She also got me hooked on my latest song obsession. K and I do this we trade songs and then perpetuate this addiction that includes playing the song all the time in an attempt to learn it by heart and listening to it so much that everyone around me can't wait til the next one hits. This one's REALLY good.

While in a bar last night, a fellow came up to me in a shirt that read "It's not going to suck itself." Seriously. Totally true. His shirt actually said that. Ew. I laughed at it and at him. Thankfully, I think it was worn with a very tongue in cheek attitude and he looked appropriately bashful when I pointed and laughed.

I had a very strange dream last night about a boy that I haven't thought about in quite some time. Hmmm. It's strange too because I almost feel guilty about dreaming about this boy. My mind hasn't had any inclination to think about anyone other than Bear for such a long time that I think the intrusion of this other person made me feel like I had done something wrong. I can't help what my mind tosses out on the spin cycle. I'd also like to add that the situation we were in was one of saving the world from zombies and that E was with us and was being such a brat about everything that we threw her mercilessly to the undead. What does this dream say about me?!?!

strange

I'm once again struck by some sort of writer's block. I have little of value to say and I don't feel like ranting at any length about the state of today's youth. Thetruth is that my life is fairly drama free these days. Actually, it's completely drama free. My life hasn't been completely drama free for well over a year. I find myself getting nervous about thngs that are improbable or impossible. I find myself worrying about things that I have no reason worrying about. It's strange and a little unsettling. I'd say that I would expect the shit to be hitting the fan anytime soon but I don't thik it will. I think that for the time being, I'm shit free, so to speak. My days are filled with finding little projects for myself and my nights are about increasing communication with Bear.

It's funny but I can tell that the distance actually is making us closer. Bear has a knack to shut up tighter than a clam but recently on the phone he's been open and available and dare I say, chatty? Disney World is looming ahead of us and any trepidation I may have felt at spending all that time with him is almost gone. I'm hoping that if we stay this course then one day very soon I won't feel the need to look over my shoulder every so often.

Proof positive that you + folks can equal a good time

Proof that you can look at your parents and tell exactly where you got it from:

this is my own personal hell

Blech. I am currently sitting at the Dallas airport after a 10 hour flight, awaiting the next and final leg of my journey which doesn't depart for another two hours. I never want to be on another plane ever, as long as I live. Wait...I'll amend that. I never want to fly coach ever again. Hell, I tell you, HELL!!!

In other news, I had a wonderful time in South America with the folks. Details and pics to come later. I also got official casting fot the rest of th season. With the exception of the very fist two shows of the year, Bear and I are in everythng together. I'm Anne in Green Gables and Bear is my Gilbert! He's my leadng man in a musical! It's so freaking cute, I could vomit!!

Just three little words

I love you.

Three words that I myself have said over and over to many people in my life including significant others, friends, family, etc. I have spent some time now waiting for one person in particular to say those three words to me. He had dabbled in it briefly and then decided for whatever reason to discontinue that practice. This was, at first, troubling but then I began to understand that just because he didn't say didn't mean that he didn't feel it. Furthermore, my need to have him say it ebbed as well. I no longer was dependent on hearing him say the words. It's not that I didn't want him to, it's just that I began to realize that our relationship wasn't defined by the lack of three monosyllabic words. It became defined by the endless ways that he and I, that we began to care for each other. I soon found that my need for those words was replaced by the desire for him. At his best, at his worst, and at everything in between. I settled comfortably in this new space and readied myself to curl up in the delight that I felt for him.


And now, months from when this all began, I find myself at this comfortable place, secure in my feelings for him and in his for me and then he drops it on me. About a week ago, we were having our nightly discussion and were wrapping things up for the night and in the middle of it he says, like he's been saying it this whole time, "I love you." Excuse me? At first, I thought that I hadn't heard him correctly but I realized that was exactly what he had said. So after what felt like an eternity but was actually a fraction of a second, I replied with the most honest thing I have ever said: "And I love you." It's true. I did and I do.

I figured that this was a random burst of emotion from a normally taciturn man. I appreciated it for what it was and tried not to think about it too much after that. The next day we talked and sure enough, three words were absent. Ok. No problem. One time deal and that's all. Sure.

Well, the next day comes and there it is again!

"I love you"

Huh?

The last time I did this it was only after a lengthy discussion. Isn't some kind of talk expected? Are we just saying "I love you" all willy nilly now?

We've reached a pattern of him saying it every other time we talk. I wonder if on the occasions when he doesn't say it, it's because he's waiting for me to say it. However, I don't because...well because I'm scared that if I start saying it that he'll stop. And I don't want him to ever stop saying it. I love everything about it. And I want to say it. I want to scream it. I LOVE YOU!! I want to say it first so that he knows that I love him without him having to love me first. That I don't need him to say it first, that I just need him to be ok with hearing it from me and with...

Oh fuck this. My thoughts on this subject are too mixed up and convoluted. I can't think straight. I'm all undone because I've finally gotten exactly what I wanted. It's been so long since I got exactly what I wanted that I don't even know what to do with myself. I'm dazed here. Q is of the persuasion that it's my time now. Maybe she's right. Maybe I'm on the upswing, no?

What the fuck is this entry about?

Don't call me a quitter

I quit smoking four days ago. I admit however, that I had what is commonly known as a "slip" last night. I met Huck at the bar where she works and I had a smoked a few. HOWEVER- this is not a relapse, merely a slip. The funny thing I'm noticing about this quit is that it's not necessarily the smoking that I'm missing. I mean that I don't sit there and think "ARGH! I REALLY WANT A SMOKE!!" More than that it's a feeling of anxiety and a shortness of breath. I've found that chewing a piece of gum helps a lot and driving around and singing my face off is also excellent therapy. I also joined a website called quitnet.com which is designed to be a support system for those that are trying to quit. It gives me neat facts like how much money I've saved, how many cigarettes I haven't smoked (which is a little scary) and it tells me mow much lifetime I've saved. I only joined yesterday but already I've saved an hour of my life. Oops. Well, probably a little less since I did cheat. Oh bother...

To those few folks out there who read my blog: Please forgive me. No doubt that in the coming weeks this will most likely become a forum of my successes and trials as I work toward becoming a non-smoker. However, relish in the fact that this will most likely mean several entertaining stories about tantrums thrown in the grips of nicotine withdrawal. For my friends who read this blog: I will need your support like never before and I apologize in advance for any crankiness you might bare the brunt of. I love you all!

Alright folks. On your mark, get set, QUIT!

I have absolutely nothing of any value to say to anyone about anything at any time. Life is fine, I'm not dead. I'm not depressed. I'm a little bored. That's all folks. I'll be back as soon as I have something intelligent to say, which may be never.

I KNEW IT!!!!!

/Which Disney Princess Are You? Jasmine You're the girl who has everything but is still desperate for the thing she cannot have, love. Jasmine first wandered onto our screen in Aladdin (1992)

Click Here to Take This Quiz Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

Halloween 2005

Oh man! This Halloween was more fun than I'd had in a while. The funny thing is that the fun was mostly had during the quest for costumes and the subsequent getting ready before the party. After arriving in Dallas Huck and I tore through the town finding either last minute touches or in my case, complete costumes with P and Kiki. We found a fantastic vintage store and I ended up getting an outfit that I rationalized as somewhat "Valley of the Dolls." Huck was dressed in her 1950's best as a Stepford Wife and P and Kiki decided to diguise themselves as The Keymaster and The Gatekeeper from Ghostbusters. It was such a brilliant costume idea, I couldn't even control myself. Here's the evidence:

This is Huck and I in all of our glory. If anyone wonders why she's my BFF, this is why.


I think she makes a pretty darn good Gatekeeper. When she tried on the wig, I laughed so hard my face almost fell off.


This may be the most fabulous picture of my brother and I ever.


Granny and the Big Bad Wolf. Little Red Riding was supposed to be there but I think she wasn't feeling well. This may be the cutest effing thing I've ever seen.


You may not be able to tell but she looked a helluva alot like Courtney Love. He just looked...icky.


Here's Kiki channeling her inner Diana Ross.


I think this is cruelty to animals at its most frightening. She later peed on it.


This picture pretty much sums up the night. In a word, awesome.

The hills are burning

This area of the country looks like cancer during the winter. It's dead and lifeless, cold and barren. During the summer, I feel claustrophobic from all of the foliage, but autumn...

This landscape was made for autumn. The hillsides are burning in shades of gold and scarlet and every shade in between. The trees seem to have come alive in their color, going out, quite literally, in a blaze of glory. The air is crisp but not painful as it will become once winter fully arrives. The air smells of leaves and fire and putting the last year to bed. It smells of change and possibility. I breathe in this crisp air and my lungs feel alive. The land may be going to bed for a months, but it seems that perhaps I might just be awakening.

Is there a place for me?

My life has been taken over by the never ending search for a place to live next year. I have looked all over this little town and have found almost nothing. The only thing I did find was a fantastic condo that was out of my price range and WAY too big. I'm just one girl, I don't need three floors of room. It was pretty pimp though. However, this is all leading me to believe that when I do find a place it will be the perfect one for me.

Huck found out that her ex got married recently. Always a bit of a blow. For whatever reason, whether we admit it or not, I think that there is always some hidden part of ourselves that hopes/wishes that we are the end all be all of our ex's life. There is some bit that almost wishes for that other person to never be as happy with someone else as they were with us. The happening of a marriage proves otherwise. It's strange that even though I had no desire to be with my ex ever again, my heart still broke just the tiniest little bit when I heard that he got married. I wish him well and I know with completely clarity that we were not meant to go past the point that we did, but damn, my high school sweetheart got married. As self centered as it sounds, it's a blow to the ego to know that he is over me, completely and totally, and the knowledge that I am not the love of his life hit with a resounding thud. Ugh. That's so icky.

I adore my family

This morning I received an email from oldest brother saying that the company he works for just declared bankruptcy. The slew of supportive emails began and in mine I mentioned that perhaps this falls under the "Everything happens for a reason" category. The following are the transcrpits of the emails that my middle brother and I began to fire at one another:


First P shot back:

"That whole "everything happens for a reason" thing is starting to piss
me off. What the hell was the reason behind my painful testicular infection?
Character-building? Great. I've got plenty of character now. All
stocked up. No more pain, please."



Then I responded with:

"No, but maybe it's to tell you that if you don't start
taking some responsibility for your health and start
treating your body like it's a temple and not a toilet
then all you have is 50 more years of things like
testicular infections to look forward to. This from
the girl who smokes and mainlines soda on an hourly
basis..."



He quickly fired back:

"This family is going to kill itself quickly."



To which I replied:

"Whatever. Stop being so fatalistic. I'm cleaning up my
act when I go home. I'm not 16 anymore! Did you hear
about the new iPod that plays video? I was just
thinking that that would be a very cool idea for Apple
to put into the works. I'm totally pyschic! Haha!

Jav, are you enjoying this little back and forth?"





Finally P tied it up with:

"Jav's the one being fatalistic. He's not responding to these emails
because he's hiding under his bed weeping."


These emails were going in rapid succesion with barely minutes between them. We may as well have been on the phone. It was very silly and very fun.

The adventures of Bear and Snow

Bear and I spent the better part of last night planning our trip to Disney World. Giddy like a couple of school children, we plotted out our courses of arrival and accomadations upon getting there. I had so much fun just trying to figure what airline to fly that I can't wait to actually get there.

Ever since we found out that I was going to be coming back next season, we've been acting like a couple of geeks. My theory is that Bear, being the overly sensible fellow that he is, didn't want to get too attached to someone and something that had a very limited shelf life. However, now that we know that I will be back in a few months, he's decided to unleash the love and adore me freely. We've been together for almost 3 months now and we're finally getting to the honeymoon phase.

Sigh...

winding down the days

My time here is coming to an end. Wow. It's been quite a freakin' year and I certainly have the battle scars to prove it. However, I'm now at the point where I can flaunt my wounds with pride because, check it out, here I am. Still in one piece, albeit a much smaller one, and just a little bit wiser for the wear.

We closed our show last night. Let me rephrase: We closed our show in Abingdon last night. We still have Roanoke and a week of local touring. We went out with a bang except for the fact that I missed an entrance. WHAT?!?!?! I'm so ashamed! That is one of those things that actors have nightmares about and I had luckily never experienced it before, until last night. When I told Bear about it his reply was "WHAT?!?!" which is nice because his disbelief that that would happen to me is reassuring. It's nice to know he thinks that out of character for me.

Alright, I've procrastinated long enough. I have laundry, packing, cleaning and a cake to make. Yikes!

I'm at a loss

I had a dream last night that I was taking part of some type of tribunal. KT was leading the shin dig and kept making me go do various tasks that were slightly dangerous and scary. Every time I was done with one of the aforementioned tasks, I would come back only to be told to head yet again. I remember that KT was dressed in full chief attire complete with headdress and beaded accoutrements. Final after my last excursion, she finally deemed that I was done. I gratefully turned to leave and that is when I noticed it. As I turned I realized that something about my body was different, something was not how I remembered it being. I looked down at myself and noticed that I was a good 9 months pregnant. My belly was swollen and round and my hands instinctively flew to my midsection in a protective gesture. I rubbed my hands over my new physique and realized that the baby was crooked. It was laying funny in my belly and I was overcome with an intense worry for my child. When I looked up I saw Wolf standing in front of me. I told him that something was wrong, that my baby was laying crooked. He just smiled and put his hands on me and said "Oh no, honey. He's setting just fine. He's setting right he needs to be." It was at that moment that I realized that I was carrying...Bear. Somehow, in the midst of this dream world my subconcious had created, I had become a mother...to Bear. And I realized then that all of the trials and tribulations that I had gone through had been to prove my worthiness of being his mother. I think they were going to take him away from me if I failed. The only part I remembered upon awaking this morning was being pregnant. As the day has worn on more and more bits of the dream have surfaced in my memory.

I can't for the life of me figure out what this dream means, but I know that I never felt more love and more of a need to protect than I did for that baby. Something is lurking underneath the filmy layers of my conciousness and I'm not sure what it is. Perhaps someday soon, this pesky dream will allow its secrets to be deciphered. Until then, I'll just have to satisfy myself with the fact that I am awful cute when pregnant.

We've been going on little mini tours lately and the level of fun is reaching dizzying heights. Nick keeps referring to the high school kids we're preforming for as mother fuckers. Kim wants to sneak out for smoke breaks in front of the kids. And I'm getting my absolute fill of fried chicken.

Life is very nice these days...

Agita

AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My god! If I knew that you were going to be such a pain in my ass, I would have never said yes to this. Ok, fine. You want someone strong? You want someone who can stand on her own two feet? You got it mister.

Get ready. Something wicked this way comes.

You know how I feel...

I'm currently listening to a track from the Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas soundtrack. There is some dialogue before the actual song which is "Get Together" by The Youngbloods. Hunter S. Thompson is talking about San Francisco in the mid 1960's and what was happening in that area at the time. Something about this little bit of a monologue is inspiring. So I guess my current mood is just that: Inspired. Although, truth be told, I have very little to be inspired about. Life is a little stagnant right now.

However there are a few very wonderful things in life right now. They are as follows:

1.

Yes, the picture is blurry and out of focus, but I love it nonetheless. I think we look quite fetching.

2. Fall. Autumn is coming. I can smell it in the air and I can feel it in the breeze. I didn't think anything could be as lovely as autumn in NM but this is quickly dashing that argument to bits.

3. Work. I'm working. And while I don't have a whole lot to do right now, it's much more than a lot of people have and certainly much more than some will ever have.

4. Corduroy lounge pants from J. Crew. Seriously I may buy a pair in every color and just live in them.

5. Good music. Aqualung, Kanye West, The Killers, Nina Simone. Even better than good music is...

6. People introducing you to new music. Those songs are then forever connected to that person. I will always remember the first time I heard "Feeling Good" by Nina Simone with Danny, up in his room, him singing the lyrics full out in all his fabulous glory.

Six is nice even number. We'll leave it at that for now.

I am my own worst enemy

Feeling like I'm getting bigger by the moment. This is the longest amount of time that I have been in this place without losing weight and it's starting to bother me a great deal. The fact that I am almost completely inactive and have probably gained a few pounds is not helping. I was starting to very much like the way that I looked and now my body has once again become my enemy. This is not a war I feel like waging again.

DAMN!

I went to an anonymous sandwich shop today for lunch today and my order was taken by a young lass of about 17 or 18. Now first off, when she comes to help me there is no "Hello", "How can I help you?", "What can I get you?', nothing. She merely looks at me with her heavily lined eyes and a vacant stare. So I say "Umm, I'd like a tuna and cheese sandwich on wheat, please." She proceeds to cut the loaf of bread for my meal and ends up making two grossly uneven halves of bread. She, of course, gives me the smaller one. This I don't mind too much, but still, it was odd. She puts the first touches on my sandwich and then moves down to the vegetable and condiment section. Once again, she merely looks up at me, wordlessly, as if actually talking to me would take away from the obvious ennui that she is suffering from. So I say "Ummm...ok. Tomatoes, a little bit of mustard, salt, pepper, vinegar and oil." She grabs the mustard bottle and squeezes the bottle. Hard. A giant globby line of bright yellow now mars the lovely sandwich I had planned. Great. I grumble under my breath and grudgingly hand my money over to pay for this sad excuse of a sandwich.

I'm amazed at the youth of today that I am so barely removed from. Why are adolescents so bored and pissed off? What the hell do they have to complain about? I wanted to grab this girl and shake her and say "You are much too young to be acting this blase about life. You think that this bored attitude makes you interesting and unique?!?! It doesn't! All it does is make me fear for the future! You know nothing about anything. Get off your fucking cell phone and read a freakin book for God's sake!!!"

The shittiest thing about this entire encounter however, is that when I ate my sandwich, it tasted good. Really good. Dammit.

The sleep version of me is extremely intelligent.

I've lost my remote control. Literally, it's gone. I'm going to have to tear apart my room in order to find it and I just don't have the energy to do that right now.

I awoke this morning to realize that I had had a dream of disturbing proportions. I was with the Players and we were stuck in some house that was haunted by several angry and malicious ghosts. Bear was doing his best to protect me and the others, but he is only one man. Finally we managed to get outside to safety and it was imperative that we get the hell outta Dodge. Bear left me with a list of things to do while he prepared for us to make our escape. By the way, it seemed that we were the only two who were leaving. Or rather, I was the only one that he was rescuing, so to speak. As I began my tasks, I got a phone call from the Mexican, who wanted to talk about some inane situation that was going on in his life. Try as I might, I just couldn't concentrate on doing both things at once. So I listened to him and neglected the very important things that Bear had asked me to do. When Bear got back he found me on the phone and surrounded by the things I had failed to do. I was despeartley trying to get off the phone but the Mexican simply refused to let me. I was unable to move on because I was allowing myself to be tied up the Mexican.

So I have to wonder, if all of the problems that I have with Bear, all of the insecurities and doubt, stem from being held up by the Mexican. Not literally of course, but perhaps some part of me keeps waiting for Bear to turn out just like the ex. Maybe, somehow, unconciously, I'm the one who is sabotaging this relationship. Maybe I expect that Bear can't be any different than the Mexican. Or maybe the damage that was done to me by my relationship with the Mexican has somehow poisoned me and now I'm having difficulty realizing that they aren't one and the same. Bear is in no way, shape or form perfect. Bt he can be an incredible man when he wants to be. So the question becomes: Does he want to hide that man from me or am I unwilling to look for him?

That's the question, isn't it?

This isn't what I signed up for.

I left town today to make my way over to Asheville for a few hours. I left without telling my boyfriend. I left around 4pm. I just got back and it's nearly 2 in the morning. No phone call to see where I was and if I was ok. No message. No note telling me to come see him when I got in. Nothing.

Thanks, dickhead. I missed you too.

My dilemma.

At some point, I'm going to have to decide if this, if what I've gotten myself into, is enough.

I'm deleting mediocre from my vocabulary.

I got a talking to today from my boss. I'm not fired or anything but it got me to thinking. Apparently somewhere along the way I got it into my brain that it was ok to do as little as possible. Maybe I have very low expectations for myself. Maybe I have some screwed up idea of what "enough" is. How the hell did I get this far? Didn't anyone notice? I don't remember anyone ever saying that I wasn't doing enough before. No "Is not fully realizing her potential" on report cards, no teachers taking the time to say "Hey! You're fucking good at what you do, but that's not enough, kiddo." This is the first time in my life where I have continued to be asked "How much more can you give, do, offer?" And the thing is that I continue to not meet the challenge. I could be the best thing ever and I am literally sabotaging myself because, what? I'm lazy? That's not gonna cut it.

I have to go. I have a lot of work to do.

I got a talking to today from my boss. I'm not fired or anything but it got me to thinking. Apparently somewhere along the way I got it into my brain that it was ok to do as little as possible. Maybe I have very low expectations for myself. Maybe I have some screwed up idea of what "enough" is. How the hell did I get this far? Didn't anyone notice? I don't remember anyone ever saying that I wasn't doing enough before. No "Is not fully realizing her potential" on report cards, no teachers taking the time to say "Hey! You're fucking good at what you do, but that's not enough, kiddo." This is the first time in my life where I have continued to be asked "How much more can you give, do, offer?" And the thing is that I continue to not meet the challenge. I could be the best thing ever and I am literally sabotaging myself because, what? I'm lazy? That's not gonna cut it.

I have to go. I have a lot of work to do.

Um. I don't think that was meant to be taken literally.

Some time ago, a few of us, Bear included, decided to play a game called Scene It The Disney version. This game basically consists of a bunch of clues played on a DVD and the lot of us trying to correctly answer the questions. Intermittenly, there are ridiculous challenges which are meant to somehow randomly level the playing field. Things like "The player with the longest hair!" will pop up on the screen and that is how you decide who the winner is. Whilst playing the game this last time, one of these same "challenges" popped up. "It's a STARE DOWN!!" the screen declared. All four of us promptly proceeded to throw, literally hurl, our gazes down to the floor. It took us all a moment to realize that what we were supposed to do was have a staring contest. It was a moot point by then as all of us had dissolved into fits of giggles.

IT"S A STARE DOWN!!!!!!!!!

Ouch! That hurt!

As anyone knows who has been with me since the diaryland days, I occasionally have dreams where my psyche decides to subtly clobber me over the head with a battering ram. Last night I had one of these same dreams. I don't remember the particulars but I do know that right before I woke up, I was attempting to get rid of all the garbage. Massive piles of trash just kept falling on me and I was scrambling to separate it into to piles so I could properly dispose of it. People kept hollering at me "You need to get rid of this trash, Amelia! You need to throw out all this garbage!!"

Apparently, my subconscious thinks I need to do a little spring cleaning. I get it, ok?

On a much simpler, funnier note:

The other night, Bear and I were laying in bed, watching a movie, when all of a sudden we heard Mattie go into the bathroom. The next thing I know, I hear a horrible sound, like a bedsheet tearing in two. Then I hear Mattie say "JESUS!" Apparently, Mattie blew himself off of the toilet. Bear and I laughed so hard that the room was silent for a good few moments, but when we caught our breath we started laughing so hard that I fell off the bed. The best part was that Mattie was still in the bathroom, on the toilet and laughing his ass off as well. It stayed like that for a good ten minutes.

Awesome.

In case you were wondering...

...being old doesn't qualify you to park in handicap spaces.

F@%# off.

Why the fuck am I so goddamn insecure? What's the point? What purpose does it serve besides making me want to crawl into a hole and die? If anyone can answer this question let me know. I'm dying to know.

summer breeze makes me feel fine

Tomorrow is my final day as a Player, a badge that I have worn with pride for over a year now. It's like graduating in a way, except that I feel like I learned a whole lot more here than I ever did in school. Whew. It's been one hell of a ride.

Bear and I did a little diddy at the late night cabaret, which was silly and fun. We've also spent the past few days in a hotel in our own little self imposed exile from the Inn. Evenings have been spent laying in bed eating salt and vinegar chips and Wheat Thins. I'm probably dying of scurvy at this point but who the hell cares? As I was getting dressed for bed last night, Bear looked at me and said "I feel great." He had this big smile on his face and he was just kinda looking at me and I could see that he was happy, happier than he'd been in a long time. And aren't I the lucky girl for geting to witness that?

I love that boy and I can finally say that he loves me too.

Trying to be different just makes you like everybody else

Ok, I admit it. I am a member of the jaugernaut that is MySpace.com. Although I have become much less dependant on it than I once was, I still log on every now and then to see what everyone is up to. I just gone done doing this and I realized something: I know a lot of people who are absolute fucking tools. I look around at profiles of people I used to know and am suddenly painfully aware that not only are these people still stuck in college, they're lame asses too! Ugh! The humanity!

If everyone could just be more like me, the world would be a much better place. At least for me.

Wait, reverse that

Life is blissful.

And that's all you need to know for right now.

I don't know! Leave me alone!

The title thing on this makes me feel a certain amount of pressure that I don't particularly enjoy. Why should I feel the need to label my freakin' entries?! I don't need this kind of pressure!!

Regardless, we opened our show (my last show as a Player) yesterday. Everything was going great. We were kicking ass and having more fun than we'd had in a long time. Joy was abundant. And then it happened. As G was doing one of her monologues she said she heard a splash. She said it sounded like something spilled or someone's water broke. In fact, it was the sound of some poor little girl throwing up the entire contents of her stomach. Apparently she hit some of the other patrons as well. We had to finish the show with the distinct aroma of vomit in the air. I say we should take it as a compliment. She was so excited that she threw up. Ahh...live theatre!

Here's a list of some good things in my life right now:

1. The latest Harry Potter book. These books are like crack and I devour them like a starving man would a five course meal.

2. It's summer and that means copious cookouts. Who doesn't love that?

3. Watching Blow Out on Bravo. I feel no guilt about watching reality tv on Bravo because it doesn't have the drama/gross out factor that other reality tv shows have. I choose to be a snob about this.

4. Playing with the new Players. Scott Z. who will be know from her on out as Zig is one of the most random and fantastic people I have ever met. Last night was a full moon and I asked him to become a werewolf for me which he did, complete with attack of me and the tearing out and eating of my heart. Awesome.

5. A clip I just saw on VH1 where Quentin Tarantino spit on, or rather at, MTV correspondent Chris Connelly. The reason for this in unimportant, what is of great import is that ol' Quentin can't spit to save his life. I can spit better. My mom can spit better. IIt was so laughably awesome.

That's it folks. I don't wanna talk to you anymore. Blech.

Blech.

Man...I had what was an ok day, but now it's all shot to shit. I have a meeting with my boss tomorrow where she's going scold me for making a stupid mistake at work today. I shoulda known better but now I have to go into this meeting with her and she's gonna have to do her whole spiel and then I get to feel stupid and inadequate. Plus, Bear yelled at me, walked away in a huff and just generally tried to make me feel shitty today. However, I finally did tell him that it had been a year now that we were doing this little dance and that I needed to get over it and over him. He just got this strange look on his face and said ok and then he left. The worst part of it is that I hate myself for giving him even one moment of discomfort or unease. He bolted pretty fast but not before I saw the look that crossed his face. But then again, I could just be imagining the whole thing and maybe he's glad to finally be rid of me.

Over tour we had this joke about a robot in a kimono. He swore that he would be able to find a picture of that and that when he did, he would put it on a shirt. He showed up with it today. Robot in full traditional Japanese kimono. I didn't give him the reaction I normally would have. When he came by to talk today, he said that the only reason he made that stupid shirt was to make me laugh. And I wanted to laugh, but I just couldn't bring myself to let him have that little bit of me. Maybe it's all a load of crap, but to think that he spent even one minute thinking of something to do to get a smile from me...that one got me. Ugh. I want today and tomorrow to be over right now. This very moment. NOW!

My current mood is: tired of your bullshit

Dear jerkface:
Please allow me to express my extreme apathy toward you. Perhaps if you spent some more time trying to pull your head out of your ass instead of trying to find new and clever ways of breaking my heart, you'd be in a better place. I have absolutely no sympathy for you at this time and most likely never will again. Therefore if you could possibly find it in your cold black heart to fall off the face of the Earth, I would greatly appreciate it. The sooner the better. Now. ASAP.

Sincerely,
me

Makes sense, doesn't it?

You're a hardworking individual enshrouded by an overwhelming sense of mystery, beauty, and intrigue. Though always on the go, you keep focused, helping -- often rapturing -- those you meet. Take the What Pulp Fiction Character Are You? quiz.

I don't like things I'm not good at

I tend to steer away from things that I have no natural ability to do. If I am not proficient at something the first time around I tend to abandon it. Things like improv or gardening. I'm also not very good at giving advice in areas where I have no previous experience. Huck called today and told me that a friend of hers had committed suicide this last weekend. I have no frame of reference for this type of thing and therefore could only mutter the lame and pointless "I'm sorry." Sometimes I feel that my relationship with Huck is so selfish and onesided. She has so much to offer me and I have so very little to offer her. She not only knows me inside out but also knows exactly what to do and say to make everything alright. Ex: Last fall she was in town visiting and I was dealing with the ever present drama that is Bear and I. I received some very upsetting news about Bear from E. E kept trying to talk to me about it and finally Huck just told her "She's in shock right now. You need to give her some time to digest it." She also got me to eat that night when no one else could. She just sort of calmly told me that I was in fact going to have some food and did I want potato skins or chicken fingers? And I answered her and I ate. She takes care of me in ways that no other person in this world ever has and for that I love her with every fiber in my being. I merely wish that I could be half the friend to her that she is to me.

Throughout the year I have wished over and over again that she was here with me. Dealing with the whole Bear situation without her by my side has been tremendously hard and some part of me feels that had she been here, things would have worked out differently. But she wasn't and I'm trying to learn to stand on my own two feet. Damn, I wish she was here, though.

My hope is that no matter how badly I fail at being a friend to her, that she always knows how much she means to me. She's more than a friend. She's my sister. She's my soulmate. She's the love of my life.

That sounds lesbianic and I didn't mean it to. Oh well. She'll know what I mean. Huck, I love you.

What? Like you don't make these types of lists?

Here's who's on my Celebs To Make Out With list:

1. Christian Bale. I've had a crush on him longer than I can remember. I've loved him since before Batman, before American Pyscho, before Newsies. I've loved him since Emperor of the Sun. CHRISTIAN! I LOVE YOU!!!

2. Gale Harold. Always. The epitome of manhood to me. Sexy, smoldering, arrogant. Ahhh...

3. George Clooney. Because he's George Clooney.

4. Josh Reynolds. Because he's funny and hot. Yes, please!

5. Jessica Biel. Because she's hot and she can kick ass. YEAH!

6. Salma Hayek. I think that when God made woman, he had Salma in mind.

7. James Marsters. Oh god! I'm such a geek!

8. Bruce Willis. That man just gets finer with age. I wanna suck on his face!

Celebs that I would want to be my friends:

1. Brad Pitt.

2. Jack Black.

3. Samuel Jackson.

4. Topher Grace.

5. Gael Garcia Bernal. Though I kinda wanna make out with him too.

6. Ewan McGregor.

Celebs that I want to judge publically in a forum of some sort:

1. Lyndsay Lohan. Ugh.

2. Britney Spears

3. Angelina Jolie.

4. Julia Roberts

5. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes

6. Gwenyth Paltrow. She made one good movie like, a lifetime ago and now she's Hollywood royalty? What the fuck?!?!

7. Enrique Iglesias.

8. Eminem. Shut up!

Welcome to heartbreak, population: me

Apparently Pavlov's experiments wouldn't have worked with me since I continue to have a positive response to a negative stimulus. Over the past year or so I've continued to place myself in the exact same situation and continued to expect different results. That's actually the very defintiion of insanity. Great. Now I'm crazy and heartbroken. Fat lot of good that does me.

Hey! Karma! I get the message loud and clear, bub! You don't have to keep beating me over the head with it. I've walked the obligitory 1000 miles in another person's shoes and I will never, ever put someone through this hell. So can I rest now, please? Can I please just rest?

What do you want me to be?

This is neat. Much snazzier than my old blog. But I can't figure out quite how to work it yet. Hmmm...

Don't I have great hair?

This is me. If you don't like it, blame it on all the people who made me this way.