I'm at a loss

I had a dream last night that I was taking part of some type of tribunal. KT was leading the shin dig and kept making me go do various tasks that were slightly dangerous and scary. Every time I was done with one of the aforementioned tasks, I would come back only to be told to head yet again. I remember that KT was dressed in full chief attire complete with headdress and beaded accoutrements. Final after my last excursion, she finally deemed that I was done. I gratefully turned to leave and that is when I noticed it. As I turned I realized that something about my body was different, something was not how I remembered it being. I looked down at myself and noticed that I was a good 9 months pregnant. My belly was swollen and round and my hands instinctively flew to my midsection in a protective gesture. I rubbed my hands over my new physique and realized that the baby was crooked. It was laying funny in my belly and I was overcome with an intense worry for my child. When I looked up I saw Wolf standing in front of me. I told him that something was wrong, that my baby was laying crooked. He just smiled and put his hands on me and said "Oh no, honey. He's setting just fine. He's setting right he needs to be." It was at that moment that I realized that I was carrying...Bear. Somehow, in the midst of this dream world my subconcious had created, I had become a mother...to Bear. And I realized then that all of the trials and tribulations that I had gone through had been to prove my worthiness of being his mother. I think they were going to take him away from me if I failed. The only part I remembered upon awaking this morning was being pregnant. As the day has worn on more and more bits of the dream have surfaced in my memory.

I can't for the life of me figure out what this dream means, but I know that I never felt more love and more of a need to protect than I did for that baby. Something is lurking underneath the filmy layers of my conciousness and I'm not sure what it is. Perhaps someday soon, this pesky dream will allow its secrets to be deciphered. Until then, I'll just have to satisfy myself with the fact that I am awful cute when pregnant.

We've been going on little mini tours lately and the level of fun is reaching dizzying heights. Nick keeps referring to the high school kids we're preforming for as mother fuckers. Kim wants to sneak out for smoke breaks in front of the kids. And I'm getting my absolute fill of fried chicken.

Life is very nice these days...

Agita

AAAARRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
My god! If I knew that you were going to be such a pain in my ass, I would have never said yes to this. Ok, fine. You want someone strong? You want someone who can stand on her own two feet? You got it mister.

Get ready. Something wicked this way comes.

You know how I feel...

I'm currently listening to a track from the Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas soundtrack. There is some dialogue before the actual song which is "Get Together" by The Youngbloods. Hunter S. Thompson is talking about San Francisco in the mid 1960's and what was happening in that area at the time. Something about this little bit of a monologue is inspiring. So I guess my current mood is just that: Inspired. Although, truth be told, I have very little to be inspired about. Life is a little stagnant right now.

However there are a few very wonderful things in life right now. They are as follows:

1.

Yes, the picture is blurry and out of focus, but I love it nonetheless. I think we look quite fetching.

2. Fall. Autumn is coming. I can smell it in the air and I can feel it in the breeze. I didn't think anything could be as lovely as autumn in NM but this is quickly dashing that argument to bits.

3. Work. I'm working. And while I don't have a whole lot to do right now, it's much more than a lot of people have and certainly much more than some will ever have.

4. Corduroy lounge pants from J. Crew. Seriously I may buy a pair in every color and just live in them.

5. Good music. Aqualung, Kanye West, The Killers, Nina Simone. Even better than good music is...

6. People introducing you to new music. Those songs are then forever connected to that person. I will always remember the first time I heard "Feeling Good" by Nina Simone with Danny, up in his room, him singing the lyrics full out in all his fabulous glory.

Six is nice even number. We'll leave it at that for now.

I am my own worst enemy

Feeling like I'm getting bigger by the moment. This is the longest amount of time that I have been in this place without losing weight and it's starting to bother me a great deal. The fact that I am almost completely inactive and have probably gained a few pounds is not helping. I was starting to very much like the way that I looked and now my body has once again become my enemy. This is not a war I feel like waging again.

DAMN!

I went to an anonymous sandwich shop today for lunch today and my order was taken by a young lass of about 17 or 18. Now first off, when she comes to help me there is no "Hello", "How can I help you?", "What can I get you?', nothing. She merely looks at me with her heavily lined eyes and a vacant stare. So I say "Umm, I'd like a tuna and cheese sandwich on wheat, please." She proceeds to cut the loaf of bread for my meal and ends up making two grossly uneven halves of bread. She, of course, gives me the smaller one. This I don't mind too much, but still, it was odd. She puts the first touches on my sandwich and then moves down to the vegetable and condiment section. Once again, she merely looks up at me, wordlessly, as if actually talking to me would take away from the obvious ennui that she is suffering from. So I say "Ummm...ok. Tomatoes, a little bit of mustard, salt, pepper, vinegar and oil." She grabs the mustard bottle and squeezes the bottle. Hard. A giant globby line of bright yellow now mars the lovely sandwich I had planned. Great. I grumble under my breath and grudgingly hand my money over to pay for this sad excuse of a sandwich.

I'm amazed at the youth of today that I am so barely removed from. Why are adolescents so bored and pissed off? What the hell do they have to complain about? I wanted to grab this girl and shake her and say "You are much too young to be acting this blase about life. You think that this bored attitude makes you interesting and unique?!?! It doesn't! All it does is make me fear for the future! You know nothing about anything. Get off your fucking cell phone and read a freakin book for God's sake!!!"

The shittiest thing about this entire encounter however, is that when I ate my sandwich, it tasted good. Really good. Dammit.

The sleep version of me is extremely intelligent.

I've lost my remote control. Literally, it's gone. I'm going to have to tear apart my room in order to find it and I just don't have the energy to do that right now.

I awoke this morning to realize that I had had a dream of disturbing proportions. I was with the Players and we were stuck in some house that was haunted by several angry and malicious ghosts. Bear was doing his best to protect me and the others, but he is only one man. Finally we managed to get outside to safety and it was imperative that we get the hell outta Dodge. Bear left me with a list of things to do while he prepared for us to make our escape. By the way, it seemed that we were the only two who were leaving. Or rather, I was the only one that he was rescuing, so to speak. As I began my tasks, I got a phone call from the Mexican, who wanted to talk about some inane situation that was going on in his life. Try as I might, I just couldn't concentrate on doing both things at once. So I listened to him and neglected the very important things that Bear had asked me to do. When Bear got back he found me on the phone and surrounded by the things I had failed to do. I was despeartley trying to get off the phone but the Mexican simply refused to let me. I was unable to move on because I was allowing myself to be tied up the Mexican.

So I have to wonder, if all of the problems that I have with Bear, all of the insecurities and doubt, stem from being held up by the Mexican. Not literally of course, but perhaps some part of me keeps waiting for Bear to turn out just like the ex. Maybe, somehow, unconciously, I'm the one who is sabotaging this relationship. Maybe I expect that Bear can't be any different than the Mexican. Or maybe the damage that was done to me by my relationship with the Mexican has somehow poisoned me and now I'm having difficulty realizing that they aren't one and the same. Bear is in no way, shape or form perfect. Bt he can be an incredible man when he wants to be. So the question becomes: Does he want to hide that man from me or am I unwilling to look for him?

That's the question, isn't it?