I don't feel pretty. I don't feel witty. I don't feel fine.
I feel like I'm the last kid to get picked for the kickball team...again. I don't like feeling like I'm not enough and yet, I feel like that now. I feel unattractive, boring, and useless.
I'm sure it's just a bout of the blues, probably excerbated by the weather. It's a widely known fact that I'm not a huge fan of this area during the winter. But still, I feel like just about the most unappealing creature on the planet right now...
Yuck.
Monday, February 13, 2006
Thursday, February 09, 2006
They say it's your birthday
Today is my birthday.
About three or four years ago, birthdays really started losing their magic for me. No more extravagant celebrations, no more raging parties. More and more the day was losing it's importance, not only to myself but to those around me. Last year I can safely say was the worst birthday I have ever had. I spent most of it on the phone with People in TX crying my seyes out about how no one cared. It's never good to cry on your birthday. It's like crying in Disney World. Yes, we went out and yes it was fun but I kinda feel like four hours of drunken good times does not make up for 20 hours of feeling like crap.
But I digress. Today is the day I was born and while it may not be a matter of national importance, while no one here in VA may even kno... I know. And Bear knows and baby girl and princess and T and K and Huck and my family. I no longer need the balloons and the cake or the alcohol and the hangover...maybe a couple of phone calls and a few brilliant gifts will suffice. Maybe just knowing that at least a handful of people feel that today is special because it brought me ionto the world...maybe that's what birthdays are about.
About three or four years ago, birthdays really started losing their magic for me. No more extravagant celebrations, no more raging parties. More and more the day was losing it's importance, not only to myself but to those around me. Last year I can safely say was the worst birthday I have ever had. I spent most of it on the phone with People in TX crying my seyes out about how no one cared. It's never good to cry on your birthday. It's like crying in Disney World. Yes, we went out and yes it was fun but I kinda feel like four hours of drunken good times does not make up for 20 hours of feeling like crap.
But I digress. Today is the day I was born and while it may not be a matter of national importance, while no one here in VA may even kno... I know. And Bear knows and baby girl and princess and T and K and Huck and my family. I no longer need the balloons and the cake or the alcohol and the hangover...maybe a couple of phone calls and a few brilliant gifts will suffice. Maybe just knowing that at least a handful of people feel that today is special because it brought me ionto the world...maybe that's what birthdays are about.
Monday, February 06, 2006
Bad, insecure, whimpering habits
We, as humans, are creatures of habit. We become conditioned to have certain responses to certain stimuli. Therefore when in a relationship, whether it be platonic, familial, or romantic, and someone's behavior shifts, it's noticed. The shift can be small, virtually imperceptible but it still registers. There is an episode of S&TC where Carrie says of Mr. Big "The change was small, imperceptible to anyone but me..." That's true. We notice the smallest changes in our partners. They don't feel small to us though. They feel huge. It's the survival tactic that allows us to decipher the tone of the "Hello" on the other end of the line, the mood in the hug, the anything in the everything. It's what signals the fight or flight response in all of us. And because we are also innately insecure creatures, we immediately believe these little shifts to be the red flags of something much more dark and sinister because what would cause your loved one to so suddenly do a 180? Infidelity? Boredom? Sudden loss of interest? Anger? And because humans are also notoriously self centered beings, we inevitably draw the conclusion that the shift is directly related to us.
But it's hard not to think that, no? We (or should I take responsibility here and say "I"?) like to think that those that we love are as affected by us as we are by them. That funk has to be about them not loving us anymore. It couldn't possibly be any one of the billion other things that any given person is dealing with on any given day. When I was little, I used to ask my friends at least once a day if they were mad at me. If one of them was in a bad mood, I immediately drew the conclusion that the mood was directed at me and I spent the day wondering what I had done to irk them so bad. Once upon a time, someone and I got into a fight and this person went home and tried to hookup with his roommate. I can't believe that that was done out of anything but spite. So the habit was created that anytime we got into a fight after that I wound up apologizing for things I didn't even do out of fear that he would leave and that I would have to go through that pain and humiliation again.
I also know that when I have a shift, it's never without reason. I'm angry or bored or I don't love you anymore or I'm hurt or jealous or whatever. I don't ever wake up and just alter the way I am with someone for no reason. So, obviously, when I feel that shift from someone else, I know that it's bullshit to say that nothing is wrong. We're not stupid here, folks!
So I guess, the bottom line is... tell me what's wrong because the reality is probably much less worse that what my hyper-sensitive/insecure mind will be thinking....
Food for thought.
But it's hard not to think that, no? We (or should I take responsibility here and say "I"?) like to think that those that we love are as affected by us as we are by them. That funk has to be about them not loving us anymore. It couldn't possibly be any one of the billion other things that any given person is dealing with on any given day. When I was little, I used to ask my friends at least once a day if they were mad at me. If one of them was in a bad mood, I immediately drew the conclusion that the mood was directed at me and I spent the day wondering what I had done to irk them so bad. Once upon a time, someone and I got into a fight and this person went home and tried to hookup with his roommate. I can't believe that that was done out of anything but spite. So the habit was created that anytime we got into a fight after that I wound up apologizing for things I didn't even do out of fear that he would leave and that I would have to go through that pain and humiliation again.
I also know that when I have a shift, it's never without reason. I'm angry or bored or I don't love you anymore or I'm hurt or jealous or whatever. I don't ever wake up and just alter the way I am with someone for no reason. So, obviously, when I feel that shift from someone else, I know that it's bullshit to say that nothing is wrong. We're not stupid here, folks!
So I guess, the bottom line is... tell me what's wrong because the reality is probably much less worse that what my hyper-sensitive/insecure mind will be thinking....
Food for thought.
Friday, February 03, 2006
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
point of fact
It's 1:00 in the morning, currently about 32 degrees outside and I'm at Bear's house where I just realized that I forgot all of my eye things: Lens case, glasses, etc. This is not of the good.
What is of the good, however, is that my precious Bear offered to go to my house to get my stuff for me. Which means that yes, my boyfriend is, in fact, better than yours.
Well played, Mr. Bear, well played...
What is of the good, however, is that my precious Bear offered to go to my house to get my stuff for me. Which means that yes, my boyfriend is, in fact, better than yours.
Well played, Mr. Bear, well played...
People like me rock!
In case any of you out there have a scathing sense of humor here is the blog to check out:
gofugyourself.com
Brilliant, a gem, a nugget of scalding wit. I want to find these girls and take over the world with them.
gofugyourself.com
Brilliant, a gem, a nugget of scalding wit. I want to find these girls and take over the world with them.
Friday, January 20, 2006
After a brief hiatus
I'm back! It's been a while since I've updated and about 1001 things have happened since my last post. These include a wonderful trip to Disney World with Bear, yet another cross country road trip and most recently, moving into my little house in Abingdon. I've been waiting to post Disney pictures but they have to be sent to me and they haven't arrived yet. (Ahem.) I'll be sure to slap those up here as soon as possible to provoke your envy and contempt.
On account of a major snafu that was in no way, shape, or form my fault, I had to drive across this crazy nation of ours yet again. Nobody does 1500 miles in two days like I do. Seeing as how I made this trip with my Mom, hilarity definitely ensued. The apex of this, however, was definitely what we found in our hotel room our first night in Abingdon. Ma tells me that we've been given a room that only has 1 king sized bed, but that it does have a jacuzzi tub. Fantastic! What's not to love about a hot tub after a 22 hour drive?! Well, we go to our room and upon opening the door, I see exactly what's not to love about a jacuzzi tub...when it's in the middle of the room. Seriously. Where the other bed would have been had there been 2 queens was a rather large whirlpool bathtub. Upon seeing this, I began laughing so hard that my knees buckled and I fell over which left my mother, who was behind me, to stand there wondering what was so funny. Once she stepped over my still laughing body and saw what exactly I was in hysterics about, she also dissolved into a fit of giggles herself. Perhaps it was the fact that we had been on the road for two days straight or maybe it was just too late at night for our brains to comprehend the logic of a bathtub in the middle of the room, but we laughed ourselves silly about that night. Ma offered that perhaps it was the honeymoon suite. I wondered at the likelihood of people honeymooning in that particular hotel in that particular town. Nonetheless, it was a very, very good time.
On account of a major snafu that was in no way, shape, or form my fault, I had to drive across this crazy nation of ours yet again. Nobody does 1500 miles in two days like I do. Seeing as how I made this trip with my Mom, hilarity definitely ensued. The apex of this, however, was definitely what we found in our hotel room our first night in Abingdon. Ma tells me that we've been given a room that only has 1 king sized bed, but that it does have a jacuzzi tub. Fantastic! What's not to love about a hot tub after a 22 hour drive?! Well, we go to our room and upon opening the door, I see exactly what's not to love about a jacuzzi tub...when it's in the middle of the room. Seriously. Where the other bed would have been had there been 2 queens was a rather large whirlpool bathtub. Upon seeing this, I began laughing so hard that my knees buckled and I fell over which left my mother, who was behind me, to stand there wondering what was so funny. Once she stepped over my still laughing body and saw what exactly I was in hysterics about, she also dissolved into a fit of giggles herself. Perhaps it was the fact that we had been on the road for two days straight or maybe it was just too late at night for our brains to comprehend the logic of a bathtub in the middle of the room, but we laughed ourselves silly about that night. Ma offered that perhaps it was the honeymoon suite. I wondered at the likelihood of people honeymooning in that particular hotel in that particular town. Nonetheless, it was a very, very good time.
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